What is Marriage: developing world edition

A friend posted in her own blog a few times about her experiences as a new wife. She called the series of posts, “What Is Marriage?.” She described moments in her relationship that shaped who she and her husband were as a couple.  Their marriage is a happy one. It’s modern, Western, feminist? (if one can be), and unique when one looks at marriage with a wider lens.

I enjoy these posts, and I have similar feelings about my marriage. Yet it is hard for me to see the global state of marriage as an altogether happy one. For so many women and girls (yes, I’m going there with this) marriage is brutal. At best it is an escape from familial scorn of spinsterhood. At worse, it’s a death sentence.

This week, a news story ran on CNN about an Afghan man who killed his wife because she “failed” to have a son. This, as many people know, is nothing new. In the ancient Western world this happened even among the monarchs. (I’m looking at you Henry.) In the modern, developing world this still  happens. We rarely hear about it on the nightly news.

Violence against women, especially by their spouses, will never make the nightly news unless it involves a privileged American woman. It just doesn’t. We hear about Chris Brown and Rihanna, but it’s a miracle we heard about Storay Mohammed.

Despite the lack of attention to the subject in the media, the part the burns my bottom the most is that in many places, other women are sanctioning and participating in brutal acts against their own gender. The mother-in-law in this story defends and protects her son. She claims that Storay killed herself. These women aid the abusive patriarchy in attempting to diminish the lives of women and girls.

In communities that practice female genital mutilation (FGM) it is well-documented that the matriarchs are active, encouraging participants of the practice. For an in-depth look at the practice and the role of women aiding in the further oppression of women, spend some time with Eve Ensler’s “Until the Violence Stops” and PBS series “Half the Sky.”

I don’t intend to neglect spousal abuse here in the United States. I know it happens, but that’s not the focus on this post. There are good marriages in the developing world. There will always be beautiful, happy, loving couples. But, for many women, it’s a nightmare. They don’t have a chance to sit at the computer and muse about those bits of warm sunshine and homemade cocktails. It’s good to savor those moments, couples like us, and like my friend. We should be grateful for the privilege of equality and respect. 

Photo from: http://www.catapult.org/coverstories/

Stop Screaming!

I said months ago that I was back, and that I would start writing again on a regular basis. I think it’s obvious at this point I haven’t done that. In the meantime there has been a lot I’ve wanted to say.

Without many details, what I want to say is this:

When it comes to right or wrong, I want to err on the side of love.

Of course you say, “But, Marybeth, what about all those evil abortionists, and heathen homos, and all those devil-worshipping Atheists, murderous Muslims, slutty women, and those greedy bums on the street that don’t work? How could you believe that those people are good? How could you love them? Why would you not stand against the evil in this world? It’s in the Bible! Thou shalt not murder! Thou shalt not commit adultery! Thou shalt have no other gods before me! If a man lies with a man it is an abomination! Aren’t you a Christian?!?!? You are against conservative values. You should have been raised better than that.”

That is what I hear every time I peruse Facebook or turn on network news. People screaming at the world to condemn homosexuals to a life of second class citizens because the Bible says so, to turn a blind eye to the homeless and destitute because they’re lazy (and we all know sloth is a deadly sin!). All I see is people who I love dearly calling me a baby murderer. Hearing or reading those words directed towards women just like me feels like being punched in the gut so hard you can’t breathe. The ignorance of it is intolerable. I’m tired of hearing people screaming that women who are raped must in some way have deserved it or asked for it, that women give consent simply by being female (more on that later). I’m tired of hearing love ones think that the undoing of the world is going to be the offering of medical care to those who can’t afford it because they think they’re lazy bums. Stop screaming that as a Christian the secular world is out to get you. Just because you can’t pray in school out loud or place the 10 commandments outside your city hall doesn’t mean that you are under attack. You’re not. You have it better than most religions in the world. Trust me. If you’d, for one minute, try to put yourself into the shoes of another person who isn’t a white American Christian, you would understand. You are blessed beyond measure and you have nothing to complain about.

I love my friends and family, but you’ve got to stop screaming.

Bridezilla

Dear Friends,

The time is almost upon us. It hasn’t totally dawned on me yet. No nervousness yet. I don’t think it will feel real until I’m standing there in the middle of the ceremony. (Which I can’t wait to hear and experience, bt-dubs!)

I have had a couple Bridezilla moments… Not bad ones, but just moments when I have a small tantrum when people try to butt-in on my planning. See visual approximation below:

In reality, I haven’t been as big a bridezilla as this woman, who I’m pretty sure should spend eternity in wedding hell. Not that I’m judging…

I have to admit that I am tired. Little things bug me. Then, I snap. I’m mainly tired from divisiveness  I’m tired of a divided family where I have to work hard to make both sides happy. I’m tired of divided political leanings, where I have to be careful around loved ones who view the world differently than me. I’m tired of negativity in the media. I’m tired of trying to exist in a divided denomination. It is exhausting trying to live in the balance, when the rest of the world pulls me to and fro. I’m exhausted. So when little things like a family member offering some suggestion for my wedding at this late date, or asking me something they really shouldn’t be asking, I get annoyed. I let the little thing fester in my brain until it becomes something more than what it is. I am extremely lucky that I can share those things with Brad before I angrily respond to emails.

I know that after we’re married, many of that exhaustion won’t go away. But it’s more or less given me a way of viewing my wedding and marriage a little differently. There are so many negative things about weddings and family to get caught up in. I want to show in my wedding and in my marriage that unity is greater than divisiveness. That love is greater than hate, strong as death. There is no room for divisiveness in love. So this is my call. To live in unity. With God, Brad, my family, my faith, the world.

I don’t know how I’m voting in the next election, but if I do, it will be a vote for unity. My “I do” will be a vote for unity, as will my vows, my prayers, my singing and my dancing.

My prayer today is from the Book of Common Prayer, page 828.

Almighty God, our heavenly Father, who settest the solitary in families: We commend to thy continual care the homes in which thy people dwell. Put far from them, we beseech thee, every root of bitterness, the desire of vainglory, and the pride of life. Fill them with faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness. Knit together in constant affection those who, in holy wedlock, have been made one flesh. Turn the hearts of the parents to the children, and the hearts of the children to the parents; and so enkindle fervent charity among us all, that we may evermore be kindly affectioned one to another; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

In other news, this is the second Psalm for the Daily Office: Evening the day of our wedding! I love 104.

104 Bless the Lord, O my soul!…

Since last time

This post brought to you by double LLs. AKA, this llama.

Today, is going to be a small roundup of things I’ve read that are wedding related. Some of which I stumbled on randomly.

1) A lovely list in Relevant Magazine by Elizabeth Miller Wood. I agree with everything pretty much. So glad to have encountered this.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/seven-myths-about-getting-altar

2) About being defriended over a wedding. This made my heart hurt.

http://evolequals.com/2012/09/03/defriended-2/

Also, I watched the documentary Half the Sky on PBS last night. And let it be known that marriage is not the key to prosperity for the majority of the world’s women no matter what the Wedding Industry and mid-Century America would like you to think. It’s often scary, painful, and wrong.

Sigh.

I couldn’t think of a better title for what I’m about to post. That’s how i feel about the sexism in marriage. It’s prevalent, and the industry and this guy don’t seem to care.

I’m just going to go down the list of things that have been bothering me.

1) As readers already know, I am hyphenating my name, which means I won’t be calling myself Mrs. Bradley Wilson at any point. I will reiterate now, that I LOVE Brad and his family. I can’t wait to be a part of it. I have absolute respect for them. I am taking the Wilson name in addition to mine because I love them. I am keeping mine because I love my family. Additionally, I don’t want to be titled solely based on my marital status. I know that this is probably extreme, but Mrs. His Name just seems like I’m possessed by my husband. So it was important to me to express to my wedding coordinator that I don’t want to be introduced at any point as Mr. and Mrs. Bradley Wilson. We are one unit, sometimes we share a brain, but we don’t have the same names.

2) I also stressed to the coordinator that Dori will be called the Best Woman because Maid of Honor is defined by her marital status. Which is dumb. End of story. We live in 2012.

3) Let’s go there and talk about sex. This guy is to his wife as Gollum is to the Ring. Luckily, this gal has it right! He is horribly condescending about women and pompous. I need a meme. “Abstinence. You’re doing it wrong”

Ok, I think that’s everything for now. That’s my rant today.